Dear Elizabeth:

Thanks for such a well stated and important question.  Your therapist told you that your dependence on him would 'sort of fade away' but it hasn't.  For many clients, the feelings of dependence on their therapist do fade away but it is clear that yours have not.  I would recommend going back to your therapist for a few sessions.  You would need to explain your feelings to him and work on them so that you get to a point where you are more confident that you can live your life without his help.  If he won't see you, I would find another therapist to work this through.  Therapy should end with you having the confidence to live the next part of your life well without professional help.  Best of luck! 

Dr. B

Monday, January 01, 2007
Carol writes:
Hello Dr. Burkham, how does one know when one has had enough therapy? The therapist would be glad to keep seeing me, or not, it's up to me. I just find it very helpful with a whole bunch of things but don't know if I'm still in need enough psychologically to warrant it. I feel pretty normal now and can manage my life. But I enjoy having the time set aside to discuss my thoughts and get some support. Is this wrong to use therapy for this?

Dear Carol: It sounds like therapy has been very helpful for you and you have a "good problem"--whether or not you need to keep going. First of all, I don't think it is a matter of "right or wrong" but a matter of your needs and priorities. If you feel that you are continuing to grow with the help of your therapist, I would say it would be great to continue. By growth, I mean "differentiation" (which is a main topic in my book) which basically is your ability to truly be yourself while connecting with others with as little anxiety as possible. This is a life-long, never-ending process and if therapy can help promote this process, great! Perhaps you can cut back your therapy sessions in frequency--I often see people once a month for awhile. So good luck and happy growing!

Dr. B

Sunday, November 26, 2006
Stuck in Seattle writes:
I have finished therapy with one therapist and had to change to another one as my coverage ran out for the one I was previously with, and it was short term. I am stuck in the past with my past therapist's helpfulness and caring. I have tried to move on but can't seem to. It's more than missing the other one, it feels like I am heavily grieving over the loss of this person in my life. I don't want to bring it up to make therapist #2 feel bad, like I am comparing them or something. He's not as helpful but he's OK..No one would compare to the first one but that's OK. I just want to get over him. Do you have any ideas about how to get past this without talking to #2 about it. I feel rather stupid about the whole thing. I'm not a teenybopper and should be able to move on from this. Thank you.

Dear 'Stuck':

Excellent question! It's great that you made so much progress with therapist #1 but that may have had alot to do with you--your readiness to change and the effort you put into it. Now, perhaps therapist #2 is not as skilled or as emphathetic, but I don't think there's a good way to solve your problem without talking to him or her. Your therapist needs to be able to put his/her ego aside and listen carefully to your disappointment. Therapist #2 should be able to steer you either towards another therapist or towards reflecting on your own strengths which led you to do well with therapist #1. Your job is not to protect therapist #2's feelings but to focus on making the changes you want.

Good luck!

Dr. B

Thursday, November 02, 2006
Really Nervous and Confused writes:
I am a female working with a female therapist for the past 11 months. I suffered sexual abuse as a child and I was raped during my 20's. I am very attracted to my therapist. When I am having sex with my husband I can see my therapist's face; I do force her image from my mind. Since this started happening I am unable to have an orgasm. What do you think I should do? Why is this happening?

Dear Nervous and Confused:

This a really important and difficult question. I'm glad you had the courage to ask it. From the information you've given me, it seems that your feelings, thoughts, and images from being abused in the past have been stirred up and you are transferring some of your feelings to your therapist. This process happens in one form or another in many therapies and was first written about by Freud a hundred years ago. It's disturbing to the client but it is common and skilled therapists know how to handle it.

What I think is important for you to do is to talk to your therapist frankly about what is happening. If she is skilled and mature, she can help you sort out what is happening, make sense out of it, and continue helping you work on diminishing the pain and the after-effects of your abuse.

If your therapist does not handle this process calmly and helpfully, then therapy with her may not work.

It takes courage to talk about this with your therapist but it is probably crucial in your treatment. Best of luck!

Dr. B

Monday, October 30, 2006
Rona writes:
How do therapists feel about getting thank-you cards? Generally speaking, I mean.

Dear Rona:

I believe that, in general, therapists welcome thank you cards and other expressions of appreciation. Lots of us don't pay enough attention to the help that we bring to our clients, so, when they thank us, it encourages us to keep going! It has been said that therapists are human, so they need encouragement, too! Thanks for your question.

Dr. B

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