Here are some questions that others have asked Dr. Burkham:
(questions 76 - 80 of 126 total)
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Monday, July 02, 2007
Laura A. writes:
I was wondering if I messed up my last therapeutic relationship. It went really well and after our last session, I wrote to him. I am now sorry for what I wrote. Not that it was hurtful to him, just embarrassing to me now. And I'm sorry I broke the therapeutic frame, if that's what you call it, by writing to him after we were finished. I wanted to respect that we were finished. But it was so hard for me to let go of that helpful relationship. I am no longer in contact with him, this happened over a year ago. And I don't want to go back. But yet I want to explain myself somehow, why I wrote. What's the best way to handle this. I don't know if he would even remember or care what I wrote. I'm probably worried about nothing. But yet, I am worried about it! I always feel the need to explain my actions. Can you please let me know, what you think about this and or what to do about it? Many thanks.
Dear Laura: I believe that you're worried about something that your former therapist is ok with: I doubt that he is worried about it. But you're worried, so that's important. You said that you 'always feel the need to explain my actions' and that might be the core problem for you. It would be good to free yourself from that need, if possible. Then you could confidently take action and not be so worried about how others are reacting. It's great to be concerned about others' feelings but it sounds like you overdo that! If you need further therapy to gain more self-confidence, then I would recommend it.
Thanks for writing in!
Dr. Rob Burkham
Monday, June 25, 2007
Marilyn writes:
I enjoyed stumbling across this website...it's nice to see that others have had similar feelings in therapy that I have had.
I was in therapy for about 6 years straight without really getting anywhere. Much of it was in adolescent years when I didn't want to be there and so controlled the situation by shutting down. As I got older, I chose to go because I wanted help but had a difficult time breaking old habits and constantly got into power struggles. I try not to but it seems that the harder I try the worse it gets. Several years ago I was advised by a religious leader, who is also a therapist, to take a break for awhile. It was just constantly upsetting and I always saw myself as 'sick'.
I did really well without therapy for quite awhile. There were still some hard times, but overall I became a totally different person without the constant 'therapy stress'. Close teachers and family often commented on how much better I seemed. Then some events in my life increased the level of stress I was under and things started getting hard. I decided to try it again about 6 months ago after an ER visit. Since then I have noticed myself going back to old thinking patterns...constantly replaying therapy sessions in my mind (in which I am often shut down) and pulling back into myself more from day to day. It's almost an obsession. Several months ago we tried changing from therapy to a life coaching approach but it really feels just about the same to me and I react the same.
Any advice? Would it be better to just live my life the best I can on my own?
Dear Marilyn:
Thanks for your insightful question. Lots of people indeed struggle with their emotional reactions in therapy. Whether or not someone gets better from therapy depends on the skill of the therapist (not so much technical skill as relationship skill) and the motivation of the client to work on him- or herself. Motivation comes from being in psychological pain, feeling responsible for doing something about the pain, and having hope that things can get better. (I talk about this at length in my book )
From your question, it seems that as a teenager forced to go to therapy, you were not motivated to get help, as is true for most adolescents. Now, you are somewhat motivated but you're stuck in an old pattern: emotionally withdrawing and feeling shame when you are in therapy. This reaction seems to prevent you from moving forward in therapy.
You could 'just try to live your life' and that may work ok for you at least for a while. It is of course your choice but you could also try to find a therapist with whom you could discuss this pattern and work on changing it. The difficulty is that the pattern involves cutting yourself off from the therapist, not talking about painful issues. But the solution involves talking about those issues. You may need time to do this slowly, two steps forward, one step back. It takes courage to overcome the fear and shame that seem to be driving your pattern.
Consider reading The Therapy Triangle and get back to me if you have further questions or comments. I would enjoy hearing from you!
Best of luck!
Dr. Rob Burkham
Monday, June 25, 2007
Aimee writes:
Hi Dr. Burkham...I just stumbled across your website and find it very interesting. I can relate to lots of things people are saying. I have been in therapy for about 6 months with my current therapist. She has mentioned doing something called 'EMDR'. I'm not exactly sure what this is...She did say that it will help with the trauma that I experienced as a child with regards to bullying. As an adult now, I still find myself withdrawing into myself for fear of being hurt, rejected or not liked. These experiences I had as a child I did not talk to my parents about, I kept them all inside. I am starting to feel anger that I couldn't talk to my parents about it and that they weren't there for me emotionally. In my family showing feelings/emotions was not done. I am craving that love and understanding that I was not given as a child and feel like I want it from my therapist. She listens and understands....something that I am longing for.... Thanks for your website...it's very informative...Lonely and searching......
Dear Aimee:
I'm so glad that you're taking the courageous step of getting some help for some longstanding pains and problems. I also appreciate your kind words about my website and I hope my ideas are helpful to you.
You seem to have a question about EMDR which is a frequently used procedure to help clients with significant past traumas. It can be helpful to many clients and I hope it is helpful to you. One note of caution: the major factor in successful therapy is the working, healing relationship between therapist and client rather than the techniques used. Also, how you and your therapist deal with your relationships to your parents and other family members is crucial. This is the therapy triangle: client, therapist, and client's family. So, good luck in all your work, I wish you the best.
Dr. Rob Burkham
Thursday, June 21, 2007
ifzonia writes:
recpected sir,
i am from Pakistan actually i want to get information about client centered therapy so plz tell me about it that what is it?
Client-centered therapy is an approach to helping people which was developed by Carl Rogers and others in the 1960's and 1970's. the approach emphasizes the importance of the therapist being thoughtfully empathetic towards the client and usually non-directive. The idea is that the therapist should reflect back to the client the client's own feelings and thoughts so that the client can accurately realize what they themselves are saying and feeling and then can make decisions to help themselves. The field of psychotherapy has been greatly impacted by client-centered therapy with it's emphasis on a caring and non-judgmental stance on the part of the therapist.
For more information, you can consult any textbook on theories of psychotherapy or go directly to the books written by Carl Rogers.
Thanks for your interest!
Dr. Rob Burkham
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Dianne writes:
Hi Dr. Burkham...I email you last week with regards to feeling jealous about my therapists other clients and you advised me to talk to my therapist..I did that today and she felt it was normal and called it 'transference'. She described it a little bit but am not sure I totally understand it. Can you elaborate a little bit more on it? I just want to thank you for your advise...it was VERY hard to do but feel better for doing it. Thanks for answering the questions people have....it's a great learning tool for people in therapy! Great work!
Dear Dianne: Thanks for following up on your first question and congratulations for taking the difficult step of talking to your therapist! So, what is this 'transference' thing? Basically, we all have strong emotions and habitual patterns of relating to those close to us--usually family members. When we're in therapy, we tend to repeat those patterns and feel those powerful emotions towards our therapist. Often, those feelings and patterns of relating to others are a big part of the problems for which people seek therapy. When they act them out towards the therapist, it is an opportunity to work on changing them.
For example, if someone grew up overly dependent on their parents and thus not very good at being independent and self-reliant, they will become overly dependent on their therapist. A good therapist and an aware client will work together to help the client become more independent from the therapist, getting healthier in the process.
I hope this helps and keep up the good work!
Dr. Rob Burkham
(questions 76 - 80 of 126 total)
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