Dr. Rob Burkham

Saturday, September 29, 2007
barbara writes:
Could you please provide some examples of proper disclosure by a therapist(trying to gain trust in a benficial way) or whether this disclosure is negative and it's only to suit their needs. As someone in therapy I don't know whether I am being paranoid or my therapist might be making the moves. A list would help. Thank you!!!

Dear Barbara:  It's a great question and one I had to think about for a while.  It seems that what you want is a list of topics which are ok for a therapist to self-discolse about and a list of those which are not.  As I thought about this, it seems that it is not so much a matter of what the therapist discloses about as it is about the effect on you, the client, of those disclosures. 

Now, some topics are clearly not appropriate for a therapist to discuss in almost all situations:  Their own intimate life, their issues with their families, their attraction towards their clients.  But the big test to me is whether or not the therapist's self-disclosures help you understand yourself and move you towards working on yourself--those would be good self-disclosures.  Or, if those self-disclosures cause you to focus more on your therapist, trying to figure out who they are and what their hidden agenda might be.  If you are wondering if your therapist might be 'making the moves' on you, then probably they are disclosing inappropriately.

If you feel that a self-disclosure by your therapist is calling attention to them and distracting you from working on yourself, then it would be important to bring that up in therapy.  If your therapist dismisses your concern and if they keeping doing the same type of self-disclosures with the same effect on you, then it's time to move on.

I hope this helps!

Dr. Rob Burkham

Wednesday, September 26, 2007
janet writes:
Hello, I have written before in regards to the huge impact of changing therapists. I find 10 weeks down the road that I am still unsure if this is the right person for me. I feel like I need a plan that is something I can hear and believe in. I walk away from our sessions on some days and wonder if trusting my instincts means leaving or if the parts of me that perceives events through a traumitized view needs to stay with the work for a while more. I have brought this up and I don't hear what I expect to hear and I know that some of this comes from the utter trust and belief I had in my former therapist. How do I know the difference? I have been given some tools with the new therapist and still after a couple of months she says she is trying to get to know me and I chaffed at the repeating of the stories, I just want to go forward, be validated and have a plan for health. Am I being realistic? The question here is that I am not sure how to trust myself and be patient to the process or if I am being foolish and need to find someone else. My previouis counselor met with this person and felt comfortable steering me in this direction, the work just seems so different from before. Janet

Dear Janet:  I don't know whether or not you should stay with this therapist but I have an idea for the next step you can take:  talk through with your therapist all the issues you raised in your question to me.  You have some strong doubts as to whether this therapist can help you and you want some things from her that you haven't gotten yet (a 'plan for health').  If you express this to her, you can watch how she handles your questions and your doubts.  That will give you much more information about whether or not she can help.  You will be challenging her and that may be uncomfortable for both of you, but I know no other way!

Dr. Rob Burkham

Friday, September 21, 2007
Morgan writes:
I took your advice and talked with my therapist about what I found on the internet about her. She told me how disappointed she was that I would cross a boundary into her personal life.I told her how I felt seeing her online and that I was sorry and I'd never do it again. She said she still wants to work with me but it will take work on both our parts to trust each other again.She treated me with love and compassion and I have learned a great lesson about myself and forgiveness.

Dear Morgan:

Thanks for writing back.  I hope you will continue to learn--it's not easy!

Dr. Rob Burkham

Sunday, September 16, 2007
Sonya writes:
Hi Dr. Burkham. I have been in therapy for almost 3 years now. I started therapy to help me cope with daily life after a major car accident, but it soon evolved into a broader therpay where we talk about just about everything going on in my life. I like my therapist (technically she's a LCSW), which is why I have been seeing her for so long, but there have been a couple of issues which have bothered me about her that are probably just petty, but I don't know how to let them go. The main issue is what seems to be an almost obsession about restuarants and the amount of time my therapist spends talking about them. For example, I told her I liked a local Lebanese restuarant and she highly recommended another Meditteranean restaurant that she frequents regularly and stated that she likes it much more than the restaurant I was telling her about. I finally tried her resturant and told her the food was okay and that I like it as much as the Lebanese restuarant. Well, I don't think she took this very well, becasue she spent the start of the next 4 or 5 sessions talking about the restaurant and wanted to know why I didn't like it (even though I never said I didn't like it). I felt attacked in a way, like she wanted me to justify my opinions, which bothers me. A few sessions ago she brought in a clipping of a restaurant review on this resturant she's been raving about and handed it to me and said 'The Washington Post really likes this place.' I didn't know whether to tell her to drop it or to just laugh. Is this some kind of abnormal obsession or is it just me? She's done other stuff like this related to food too such as what I felt was challening or questioning me on my vegetarian lifestyle. I finally told her how I felt about it and I think she understood I felt attacked and stopped questioning me about it. It bothers me when she talks about this stuff repeatedly because I should feel free to talk about what I want to since it's my time and my money being spent, but I don't know how to tell her that I think this topic is not only a waste of time but it's also uncomfortable for me to discuss with her given her reactions. Any suggestions? Thanks, Sonya

Dear Sonya:  This is indeed your therapy, your time and your money!  Your therapist may be obsessed with food but is also obsessed with proving her superiority over you.  In order to reclaim your therapy, you would need to talk to her about how things are not working for you.  If she doesn't respond well and change her behavior, you would need to find a therapist who will be consistently helpful to you.  Best of luck!

Dr. Rob Burkham

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