The short answer to your question about talking too much early in therapy is this: early on, clients often do most of the talking because therapists are trying to understand them and give them a chance to tell their story.  At some point, not far into therapy, it is important for the therapist to lay out for the client how he or she sees their problems and what can be done to make lasting changes.  If your therapist doesn't do that soon, then ask him or her, 'What is your understanding of my problems and what do you think I can work on to change things?'  It is important that your therapist be able to answer these questions in a way that you can understand so you can get to work on the changes you need to make.  It is vitally important that you and your therapist agree on what to work on and how.  All the best!

Dr. Rob Burkham

Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Greg writes:
I am going through therapy currently and have started to feel depressed. Talking about my issues makes me feel stupid and more like a loser than I did before I started. It's not my therapist it's me. I feel like I am wasting my time only to feel worse and in the end I have to pay for it. Is this part of the process? And is it normal?

Dear Greg:  It is certainly common for clients, when they begin looking at their thoughts and feelings carefully, to get down on themselves.  They feel bad often because they see that many of their thoughts and feelings are not rational--they don't fit the realities of their current lives.  It's discouraging to realize that they themselves are making themselves unhappy.  I think this may be what you're going through. 

But there is good news here!  Because you are the one who is creating unhappiness for yourself, you can change your life!  You don't need to (and can't) change anyone else, but you can work on your own thoughts and feelings to make your life better.  So, work on not getting stuck in therapy just describing your 'issues'--move on (when you're ready) to changing yourself.  My book has alot of information on how to do this.  I'd like to hear how this goes for you, so feel free to write back.

Dr. Rob Burkham

Monday, October 29, 2007
Kathy writes:
Dr. Burkham, I have been going to therapy for a while now. I have noticed that I am starting to have some anxiety due to the fact that one day I will have to stop going. Is it better to wean yourself off therapy over an extended period of time lets say once a week to twice a month, once a month, every other month etc. Is this realistic or should you just stop when you are done. Knowing my therapist will be there should I need him makes me feel better although I don't want to become dependant on him either. What do you think??

Dear Kathy:  You raise an important questions.  Most therapists agree that it is best for most clients to wean themselves off of therapy gradually just the way you described it.  This gives the client the chance to get stronger and handle their problems on their own without such frequent contact with their therapists.  If this is successful, it teaches the client that they can handle their lives on their own! 

Therapists differ on how to handle the end of therapy.  Some say that once therapy is over, it should be over.  My preference is to come to an agreement with my client that they don't need to come back anymore but to tell them that if they get stuck in the future, they are welcome to come back for some 'booster treatments'.  I have not found that this creates too much dependence on the therapist.

All the best!

Dr. Rob Burkham

Friday, October 26, 2007
Just wondering writes:
What do most therapists *really* think about the declaration some clients make of their undying love for their therapist? Do they think it's off the wall? I'm sure it must happen a lot..but how often does it really happen, say, in a 20 year career? What do they do when they have multiple clients in love with them? Does it all seem odd? I'm serious with this question, I'd like to know.

Dear Just Wondering:  Most skilled and mature therapists see their patient's 'love' for them for what it is--an expression of unfulfilled longings for real love.  Since a client knows almost nothing about the therapist, they can't be in love with the person but with a projection.  This projection then can be worked on in therapy to help the client get more mature and realistic about their own lives.  Does it happen often that a client 'falls in love' with their therapist?  That's a tough one--I don't know of any statistics about this.  My experience tells me that some therapists mistakenly encourage the kind of unhealthy dependency which leads to clients 'falling in love' with them.  Better therapists do not encourage this and so fewer clients get to that point.  In my more than 25 years, it has happened only a few times.  I think good therapists don't find it too odd because they understand it and know how to work with clients with those feelings.

Dr. Rob Burkham

Thursday, October 25, 2007
brian writes:
During my last few visits to my therapist I can't help but notice she is talking about herself quite a bit. I am an attractive person and we are about the same age. I don't think she is married but I am concerned about it a bit. Im going there for therapy not for a date which is what it is starting to feel like. Do therapists talk about themselves to patients. I am also just got out of a 5 year relationship with someone that's why I started going there in the first place. I have been feeling down in the dumps and I go there and listen to her go on about herself and her favorite foods, books, music etc. Is it time to bail or should I hang in ?

Dear Brian:  Therapy is not going well at all!  Your therapy is focused on the wrong person: your therapist.  It's supposed to be about you and how you can get better, stronger and more mature.  Rather than 'bail out', I would recommend having a session with your therapist to talk about what you see happening and that it is not helpful to you.  You might be able to learn some things about yourself by doing this.  If your therapist takes you seriously and changes, it might work.  If you see no hope of things changing, it's time to find another professional.

Dr. Rob Burkham

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