Dr. Rob Burkham

Friday, January 04, 2008
Gina writes:
Dear Dr.Burkham, I am a 34 yr old mother of a 3 yr old and I have been in a serious relationship with my daughter's father for almost 6 yrs.We live together and by all outward appearances are 'married'..but our relationship has gotton progressively worse since the birth of our daughter.I feel that my partner's behavior borders on emotional abuse..Though he tells me he loves me,his actions towards me make me feel worthless,weak,unloved..... The things he said to me during our last argument were so very hurtful that I left and planned to start a separation.He asked me to go to therapy as a couple as a 'last chance' for us.He is not apologizing...just wants to find out if we are able to communicate with some help.I chose a therapist P.H.D. who's profile stated that working with men was a strength,and who had written papers on masculinity..I suppose I felt that maybe this man could give me some insight or communicate with my husband in a way that maybe a woman could not.Was it ridiculous of me to choose a therapist based on these qualifications?As the 1st therapy session date approaches in just a few days,I am wrought with worry...this is our 'last chance' and I don't know what to expect.We went to marriage counseling once before a few years ago,but stopped our sessions after just 5 because we started to realize that our counselor wasn't very experienced.I suppose deep down I do want this to work....more than anything...I'm just feeling beat down and scared. Thank you

Dear Gina:  No, it was not ridiculous to choose a therapist based on his stated specialty.  But it doesn't guarantee that he will handle the therapy triangle which will be set up between him, yourself, and your boyfriend.  (Obviously, my book talks alot about the therapy triangle!)  A very important thing is for your therapist not to take sides.  He needs to be able to hear and empathize with both of you and not blame one or the other of you.  This is curcial in couples therapy.  If you sense that he is seeing one of you as the 'healthy' one and the other as the one with problems, I would look for someone else.  I would also recommend that you let the therapist know early on that you are feeling 'beat down and scared'.  I wish you all the best!

Dr. Rob Burkham

Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Roger writes:
Dear dr. Burkham, I am a male, 29 years old and in psychotherapy for three months. My therapist is female and still in training. The problem I have is fear of intimacy and rejection with women, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, no motivation to make anything out of life, depression, insecurity, feelings of being unlovable. One of the causes for this is probably that I had an absent father who didn't show any interest in me as a person and a emotionally damaged and dominant mother who loves me very much but never had a life or her own and is needy and overprotective. Now she is ill and that makes it even more complicated. The problem that I started to have recently is the following. Although I was in love with women a few times and always was fully aroused by them, I was never able to form a relationship or have sex. Recently, I don't know exactly when it occured, I got these frightening thoughts that maybe the reason for not having any girlfriend is that I am gay. I never in my life felt sexually attracted to guys and the idea is still not appealing to me today but I can't stop wondering if I have surpressed these feelings all my life or that I am not fair to myself. The fact is I don't want to be gay, I want a women, kids and a family. But I also have this tendency to compulsively check out men and co-workers and friends noticed it and now start annoying me with gay remarks. Although I told some I am not gay, these nasty thoughts still haunt me. I feel so deeply depressed about it that if I am gay I want to end my life. My mother is tired of me because she says I always have obessions with issues (like fear of being ill, having defects on my body, thinking that people looking at me when sitting at a restaurant) and she is tired of it (which I totally understand). Everytime it's a new subject and now it is the anxiety of being gay. Also she thinks my therapy is bad and I need to switch. My therapist says I have no disorder (according to the tests I did (which I may have sabotaged to get a postive image) and doesn't seem to take my problems serious. What should I do, I DON'T want to be gay and I am anxious I am not able to control my thoughts and behavior. Should I have a different therapy like CBT and what can I do about the compulsive checking in the meantime? Many thanks

Dear Roger:  It's pretty clear to me that you have some very emotionally powerful issues to work on.  It's also clear that you want to work on them and that therefore they are workable!  If your therapist is giving you the message that your problems are not 'serious', then that is a problem and she may not be able to help you.  I would ask her what her thoughts are about how she will go about helping you--an outline of her plan for therapy.  This can give you a good idea of whether she can help or not. 

You are dealing with something which I write about extensively in my book and that is a 'therapy triangle' involving yourself, your mother and your therapist.  Reading the book could give you some very important insights into this powerful triangle.  Your mother is quite negative about your therapy.  She may try to undermine the therapy and any changes you might make.  You will need to focus clearly on becoming your own person--not dominated by your mother and not dominated by your therapist. 

As far as you needing another type of therapy: I don't think that's as important as the therapist him- or herself.  So, if you don't feel that your current therapist is taking your issues seriously, it's time to move on.  You need someone who will be able to see all the facets of you and your problems and help you become who you want to be.  CBT techniques may or may not be part of this.

I wish you all the best. 

Dr. Rob Burkham

Tuesday, January 01, 2008
karen writes:
I know that there is quite a range on how long individuals should spend on average in therapy. For difficult problems is it normal for people to see a therapist for 1 or 2 years.

Dear Karen:  The simple answer is 'yes'--it is common for people with difficult problems to see a therapist for several years.  the amount of time needed in therapy varies in my experience from 2-3 sessions to 10-12 years!  There's a big range!  If it takes you several years to get better, that's not abnormal.  Best of luck!

Dr. Rob Burkham

Friday, December 28, 2007
Mary writes:
Dear Dr Burkham, I just stumbled across this website. I am a 'thriver' of child incest abuse. I went through therapy in my late 20's as my father was dying of colon cancer. My father died and I feel my therapy was successful. After his death--I moved from the east coast and left my famiy of 7 siblings to west coast and began a new life.(even changed my name) Although I have continued to deal with challenges of my developing years---I did meet a wonderful man (not perfect) and have two beautiful children, who are now teen agers. As they entered the 'teen age' time and me turning 48 years--I noticed my depression coming back and contacted a friend for a referral to a good psychiatrist. I have been in therapy now for 5 months---and it is very helpful, difficult and sometimes finding the courage needed can feel overwhelming. My question: how do I turn off my thoughts inbetween therapy sessions? I have experienced most of my life of dealing with my pain alone. The pain is deep, frightening and I realize I can't go there on my own--due to my pattern of distructive and hurtful behavior towards myself. However, it is often 24 hours after a session when something hits me!? I hesitate calling my therapist due to my desire to respect his personal life and to be strong. But sometimes waiting until the next session can be hard----scary. Is there a way to help myself let things go until the next session---and then hope that I have the courage to share the fear I experienced inbetween visits?

Dear Mary:  

First, congratulations on your courage and persistence in working on yourself and 'thriving' through very difficult times.  My guess is that now you are feeling pain from the past in a more powerful way because you have made enough progress to have a good and stable life and you are strong enough to really feel your pain.  So, in a way, your pain is a result of the progress you've made. 

Ok, so how do you face and cope with the pain between sessions?  I have three suggestions and, hopefully,  you can do some of all three.

1.  If you have a close friend and confidante or if your husband can listen supportively, spend some time talking with them about your pain.  You might remind them that they don't need to do anything to fix it, just listen. 
2. Spend some time by yourself, just listening to the pain and let it 'speak' to you,.  This can be very helpful.  Reassure yourself that you will get through this as you have gotten through many things because you are strong.  You might read Tara Brach's excellent book, Radical Self Acceptance because it talks so much about listening to yourself compassionately. 
3. Finally, spend time doing the normal things that you do in life, particularly those which bring you pleasure and joy.  This will help remind you that there are other aspects to life--other than pain.

I hope this helps--feel free to write back to follow up if you would like.

Dr. Rob Burkham

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