Here are some questions that others have asked Dr. Burkham:
(questions 16 - 20 of 126 total)
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Monday, January 28, 2008
Adele writes:
Dear Dr Burkham,
I am in a relationship with a divorced man who I love and desire, but when it comes to the issue of successful emotional communication we're like the US vs. Soviet Russia. My boyfriend always says he only wants me to be happy, wants me to think less, says he will go to therapy, but only to please me as he says he has no issues himself that need working on. I totally disagree with him. I feel he is a decent and loving man who has a complete inability to acknowledge any weakness or negativity in his makeup. I feel threatened by his 'wonderful' family (who seem just ok to me) and by the fact that he says maybe I should be with someone who had a difficult childhood like mine as I just want him to be dissatisfied to make myself feel less lonely. I feel that if he were emotionally intimate with me instead of always saying 'I don't understand' or 'We're not discussing this any more' I would feel much better. As it is, I do so much work trying to figure out our mechanisms, but he just won't meet me half way. He is totally satisfied with himself. I have told him we are all perfect when alone, but when together, we need to grow. He says our relationship is wonderful. He says I can always leave. What is going on here and how can I get through to him? Thank you
Dear Adele: You are in a very common power struggle in intimate relationships: you are both trying to change the other person! I know you like alot about him which you don't want to change but you do want him to see that he has some problems with emotional intimacy and that he should be able to talk about the emotional process of your relationship. You have tried very hard to make him do this, but he seems to have no interest. You want him to 'grow' but he doesn't want to!
He, on the other hand, is trying to get you to lighten up and not think so much about difficult issues. And you are not about to do that--you see that as a very important thing to do.
I doubt that you can 'get through to him' because that would mean getting him to change in a way that he does not want to change. I would strongly suggest going to therapy by yourself to work on your struggle with him. There is no point in dragging him to therapy if he doesn't want to go. You are working very hard on an impossible task--trying to change someone else. It can be very hard to step back from this and work on being yourself. You probably need to accept him as he is or continue the power struggle.
I wish you all the best.
Dr. Rob Burkham
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Elanor writes:
Will a therapist ever hug hold a client. Is it okay to ask them to if you need it.
Dear Elanor: Occasionally hugs between therapist or client are helpful but often they can lead to misunderstandings and problems. It is ok to ask for a hug but your therapist may decline because of fear of being misinterpreted by you. This can lead to you feeling rejected but I would recommend seeing it differently: it's what many therapists need to do. At any rate, physical touch should not be an important part of therapy. I wish you all the best!
Dr. Rob Burkham
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
stuck writes:
I have been working with a therapist for quite a while, but I don't feel I am making the progress I am capable of. I think my therapist (a PhD) is a good person, means well, is sincere, etc., but I don't feel 'understood' at all. I've talked to him about it a number of times, but he says he does understand, which leaves me thinking there's a fundamental problem with me - that it's not possible for him to just not be conveying the understanding I need.
He says I need to just trust him, and it's not that I think he's not trustworthy, but something is missing, and I get the feeling that he thinks it's just a problem with me. (that's why I need therapy, right?)
I feel stuck, and don't know what to do. I feel disheartened, and am afraid of doing the wrong thing.
Dear Stuck: One of the right things you can do is keeping talking to your therapist about your problems feeling understood by him. On one hand, it may be that he is in fact understanding you but for some reason, based on problems in the past, you can't fully grasp that. On the other hand, it may be that he is not understanding you but is telling you that he is. I would recommend spending some time on this problem with your therapist trying to be as clear minded as possible about it. Not being able to resolve it is causing you to feel stuck but resolving it may bring you powerful insight into yourself. If, after working on this for some time and you still feel misunderstood, I would move on to another therapists. Best of luck!
Dr. Rob Burkham
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Mary writes:
My therapist of 3 years triple billed 3 clients last year, for a total of 6 extra sessions each. There were a few other dates he filed for when we didn't have a session but I let this go and put them off as 'errors'. This situation involved myself, my ex-spouse and another person I do not know. I found out by checking my insurance claims online as did my ex.. The therapist also admitted it when confronted. I've struggled as to reporting him for the last several months, as in the State I live in I am just as guilty legally for knowing about it and not reporting it, as he is for doing it. I've seen him a several times since just to talk but I cannot see him as a professional. It's been very emotionally confusing for me, and I have a history full of 'trust issues' I work with. This only complicated it, as the person I was supposed to trust with anything, betrayed that trust, exactly like many others in my life I allowed to do so previously. He'd also been unreliable regarding time slots and changing appointment times, and 'going out of town' at the last minute.
In your opinion, should I turn him in before he hurts anyone else? I did make progress while working with him, unfortunately, it seemed to come as a result of him repeating the scenarios I've experienced all my life...he was just another person I could not trust. Learning to trust myself is paramount, but I'm unsure if I want to possibly put another human being in jail.
Thank you.
Dear Mary: The short answer to your questions is 'yes'. He has betrayed your trust and has tried to defraud your insurance company (and others, probably). He gives our profession a bad name and hurts clients like yourself. It is hard to turn someone in but it seems to me like it's the right thing to do. Good luck!
Dr. Rob Burkham
Friday, January 04, 2008
Kath writes:
I have been in therapy for 2.5 years. I initially went because several traumatic life experiences, one which was ongoing, had me feeling like I was literally fracturing within. The first 1.5 yrs or so was spent just coping with the crisis situations created by these outside stressors. Those have subsided significantly. In the beginning, and intermittantly throughout these 2.5 years, my therapist has referred to my needing to gain a 'sense of self'. I've asked - and he's tried to explain - but I do not get what 'sense of self' means. I believe I know 'who I am' - but he cites the trouble I have with concern about what others think of me, my tendency to feel like I have to explain myself and justify everything I do or want, my tendency to believe others perceive me badly or assume the worst of me (and he says nothing he's seen in my actions merits my beliefs)... anyway, that's why he thinks my 'sense of self' is a problem. Can you elaborate on what it means? I'm hoping you can provide the missing piece that will help me understand the concept better than I do now.
Thanks so much for your input.
Dear Kath: Great question! My book has two chapters on this question, so I would strongly recommend that you get a copy and read it! Basically, having a strong sense of self means being at peace with yourself and standing up for your own beliefs, values, and needs even when others want you to give up your individuality. Being able to truly be yourself while being closely connected to others is the basic idea of a strong sense of self. It's important to realize that a sense of self is not something you have or don't have, it's something you have more or less of. Most people have a sense of who they are but also most people can strengthen their sense of self. I wish you the best!
Dr. Rob Burkham
(questions 16 - 20 of 126 total)
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