Here are some questions that others have asked Dr. Burkham:

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Hurtful Mom writes:
Yesterday I said something really mean to my six year old daughter. She was acting up in church and I was at the end of my rope. Since then, I have felt like a complete heel. And not worthy to be her mother. I feel so bad. I feel like she is better off without such a hurtful mother. I know that is irrational, and I would never hurt her (other than that awful comment) or hurt myself. But I feel so unworthy.

I have never said anything like this to her before. And I can't even write the words I said to her because it was such a painful comment. I said it in haste and in frustration and exasperation. I feel so guilty. I feel like I took away part of her trust in me as her mom, something which can never be restored. I apologized profusely to her after and explained with tears how sorry I was for saying it and how much I loved her and how the comment was made in haste and in a manner that was very hurtful. And how it made me feel to know I hurt her.

But I wonder, will she be scarred for life now???? Will she grow up remembering this painful incident and what I said to her??? I feel awful that I hurt such an innocent child. I don't usually get so upset. This was the first time I have ever said anything to her like this. I just feel AWFUL about it!!!!! I can't concentrate on anything but trying desperately to repair her feelings. (This happened yesterday.) Is there any hope that she can forgive me?

Dear Hurtful Mom:

Yes, definitely there is hope that she will forgive you! No, you have not "scarred her for life". People get scarred for life because of repeated patterns of hurtful words, not from one incident. You have apologized and shown her how sorry you are. That is important for two reasons: 1.You are telling her that the hurtful words you said are not true and 2. you are showing her that you make mistakes, that you can see your mistakes and that you are strong enough to apologize for them. Also, you don't need to "desperately" try to repair her feelings. That will happen in time as you continue to be a good, supportive mother to her. When your daughter is an adult, I believe that as she will look back on this incident as the time when mom lost her cool, not as "proof" that she is a bad person.

Now, there are some things you might do to help yourself and thus help your daughter: you might try to figure out how you got yourself so angry with her (for example, you might be trying to do too much, or have expectations that are too high or you may be angry with someone else and took it out on her). Try to make the changes in your life that you need to so that it doesn't happen again. Anger is a warning signal that something is wrong and we need to pay attention and try to fix the problem. Also, you also might look at whether guilt is too strong a force in your life. Guilt is a good thing when you've done something wrong but it can be overdone and very hurtful to you, particularly when you can't forgive yourself.

In order to work on these things, some professional counseling might be helpful.

So, continue being a good mother and your daughter will be just fine. Write back to let me know what happens! I wish you all the best.

Dr. Rob Burkham

Here's Hurtful Mom's follow up:on June 9, 2006:

Thank you for your response. I appreciated it. I am writing again as you mentioned to write back and let you know what happens. Just to let you know, I did have a few ( 3?) sessions of counselling with an EAP counsellor (in April) but my time ran out. He tried to help me think more positively and stated that "life has its ups and downs and that's the way it's meant to be" and basically, he helped with some negative thinking but we didn't get into any real "issues" due to the nature of EAP counselling, which is very short term. I appreciated this counselling but I can appear very capable and function well (on the outside), have a good job, friends, interests, but inside I'm a real mess of guilt, frustration, unpleasant memories of my own childhood, etc. I have made it a point to not take it out on my kids (except for this incident which you responded to) but I take it out mentally on myself. I wonder if I could get anyone to believe how I struggle. I just put up with it and figure I need to forget myself and my problems and do good for others instead as a way of forgetting my own issues. But I feel pretty "crappy" most times as I don't have any real support. (And now I've lost my EAP as I've switched jobs.)

Again, thanks for your previous response. I'll just have to sort this out I guess at some point.

Dear Hurtful Mom:

It sounds like you are suffering in silence--appearing to "have it all together" but being miserable inside. I hope that you can sort this out sooner rather than later--for your sake and for your daughter's. I think if you look hard enough you will find a professional who will see past the self you show to the world and help you with your inner self. One further thought: if you get better inside you will be more helpful to others. That's what I see time and time again in myself and in my clients.

Good luck!

Dr. B

Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Online1 writes:
I have recently finished with online counseling and feel something like it must feel ending regular counseling in person. I really really miss my counsellor. And I never even met him. How long does it take to get over this? I am really sad about this, although I think I did some good work. I still miss the whole process and it's so hard to get over this.

Dear Online1:

First of all, congratulations for doing some good work in therapy! I hope your life is better and richer for having made some important changes. It sounds like you're going through a natural mourning process, having lost an important and helpful person in your life. I wish I could tell you how long your sadness will last, but I can't; it's a very personal thing. If you can focus on the changes you've made and how your life is better, that will help. If you find yourself stuck in your sadness for, say, a month or more, I would consider re-contacting your therapist, if it is possible, and discussing your sadness. You may discover that you have more work to do. Or you may find out that you just need to get on with making the best life you can with the changes you've already made.

I wish you all the best!

Dr. Rob Burkham

Thursday, May 04, 2006
Finished or Not? writes:
Dr. Burkham, I entered into therapy for the first time seven years ago when a serious, yet troubled, long-term relationship ended abruptly. My therapist, a man of my own age (I am a middle-aged female), was extremely intelligent and helpful and I worked very, very hard to learn and benefit from my sessions with him. We are both by nature reserved, quiet, unemotional, scholarly people, and our meetings often had the feel of graduate school tutorials. I was comfortable with this and eventually began to feel that my whole life and way of looking at things had changed for the better in many ways. I felt truly happy and stable both inside and out and was grateful to my therapist for all he had done. A few months ago, I decided that perhaps I was "done" with therapy, as things were going so well and I really had nothing new to discuss with my therapist. We found ourselves talking about things like the weather and my hobbies and so on. He said that he really didn't think I was "done", though he couldn't really tell me what he meant by that. He then suggested that I was attempting to leave therapy in order to avoid the fact that I had strong feelings for him--that I "loved' him. I countered by saying that, much as I respected him and liked what I knew of him in the office, I could not possibly love him or have strong personal feelings for him, as I really knew nothing whatsoever about him, which was true. He looked quite crestfallen and sad after I said this, yet said nothing in reply. Later, he left a message on my phone saying that he knew it was hard for me to face the strong emotions I felt for him, but that I should not stop coming in. I am perplexed by this turn of events. I thought he would have been pleased to hear me say I was finished and ready to leave therapy, yet he seems very unhappy about it. I'm not sure what to do or how to think about this. Thank you for your thoughts on this matter.

Dear Finished or Not:

Thanks for such a thoughtful and articulate question, you've obviously put alot of thought into this problem! From what you have told me, you are in fact done with therapy but your therapist is not. You have made excellent progress in therapy and your life is much more satisfying than it was before. Your therapist should have been happy for you and let you end therapy. However, he has "fallen" for you and does not want to let you go. When he says that you have feelings for him it sounds like he is projecting his feelings onto you. He does not appear to be interested in doing further therapy with you--he seems interested in seeing you for his own needs.

My advice is simple but may be hard to implement: don't call him back and don't make another appointment. Go on with your life and enjoy it and be proud of the changes you have made. In the future, if you need further help, find another therapist.

My book has a chapter on Therapists: the Good, the Bad and the Overly Helpful. You might want to check it out for further understanding of your situation.

All the best to you,

Dr. Rob Burkham

Sunday, February 12, 2006
The Dependent One writes:
Dr Burkham, I just had a very difficult session with my therapist where she basically told me that I had become too dependent on her. Some background information about this is that I am suffering from severe depression because of severe childhood sexual abuse. She has been trying to get me to establish my own support network. I was in the hospital for suicidality three times over the course of the 3 months that I was on leave of absence from work. I have suffered from panic attacks at work and stuff since I returned. So she doesn't think that my going to school full time while working full time is a good idea, but I am trying to find a part time job. I am not willing to give up my classes and I think that bothers her because she believes that I should put my emotional health at number one priority. So she gave me a homework assignment that felt pretty overwhelming. She asked me to begin writing in my journal again as well as going to a CODA, OA or Al-anon meeting every day. I have been seeing her twice per week for about 6 months. After I told her that I wasn't able to go to a meeting every day for my homework assignment she asked me what I could do to nurture my emotional needs. I was looking for the "right answer" and kept throwing things out. She saw through it. I had gone to a meeting on the day that she gave me the assignment and she asked why. I didn't want to admit it, but it was because I wanted to go above and beyond her request for her approval. She knew it. So she asked if we could talk more about my emotional health and basically told me that she can not be my sole support system and she won't take part in it. She wants me to think about going only once per week, but I feel that I still need the support of twice per week. I feel so lost and when she asked me to think about it this week and figure out what I need to do to take care of myself emotionally, I get so confused. I don't know what she wants and I don't know what to do. I am trying really hard. My first response was "I'll show her". I thought about canceling my next appointment and not going again until I find my part time job. My second thought was to go to my scheduled appointment and tell her that I need a vacation from therapy. What I really want is to continue with twice per week. I think that if I am going to continue to delve into the depths of my psyche that I will need to continue to receive that additional support. Otherwise, for now, while I am so busy, I thought it might be a good idea to live in denial such as has been my coping strategy in the past. If I could do that for a month, I will have my part time job and then I will have the time that is necessary to continue where I left off in my healing. I really need some feedback on this, PLEASE HELP!

Dear Dependent One:

Thanks for such a clear description of your dilemma in getting help from your therapist! It seems to me that you and your therapist are quite dependent on each other. She is dependent on you getting better (which is different than wanting you to get better) and you are dependent on her for trying to figure out what she wants (not what you want). In my book, I have sections on the "shame-and-blame therapist" and the "overly helpful therapist"--think think it would be helpful for you to read those sections if you have not already.

Also, it would be helpful for you to step back and think about a few things: you need to figure out your own path to mental and emotional health, not try to follow what your therapist says (or rebel against what your therapist says). When your therapist gives you directives that you cannot or do not want to follow, it would be best to tell her so. If you want to see her two times per week, tell her so. Then work on negotiating with her what she can live with and what you can live with. If she is inflexible and wants to pressure you to do things her way, it might be good to find another therapist. If you can negotiate things out successfully, then you have accomplished a significant goal: respectfully standing up for yourself to an authority figure and resolving a conflict with her! The process of being assertive (not aggressive) with your therapist can be very helpful to you in your growth.

This is a diffiuclt situation requiring thoughtfulness and wisdom. I wish you the best!

Dr. Rob Burkham

Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Jackie with retired therapist writes:
My therapy relationship of 39 years has just ended because the therapist no longer wants to attend the required workshops for state licensing. He gave me 2 years notice, but said he would have continued except that it would be illegal and unethical. I thought that I was exempt from the licensing because there was no fee involved and it took place in a university setting. i am heart broken. he is willing to see me on a periodic basis once a month or so in a social setting as a former-therapist old friend...but I feel it is too superficial and diluted. Can you offer any thoughts? Thank you.

Dear Jackie:

It sounds like you are in a very tough spot. You have become overly dependent on your therapist and it sounds like he has become overly dependent on you. You have seen each other for many years and, over the past two years, you have known that your relationship would end but you were not able to resolve your mutual dependence.

My thoughts are these: first, seeing your therapist in a social situation will not be good for you. It will keep the connection with him alive but not help you to change your dependence on him. Second, find another therapist who can help you work through your grief and improve your life so that you don't need to depend on your therapist. Third, I would recommend reading my book to help you understand how therapy can be truly helpful to you. The chapter on therapists, the good, the bad, and the overly helpful would be especially helpful to you.

The best of luck to you.

Dr. B

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