The Therapy Triangle
When two people have a conflict with each other which they cannot resolve, it is
very common for one of the people to seek out the support and comfort of a third
party. Nations at war seek allies, business partners in conflict seek out a
mediator and the more frustrated member of a couple seeks out a friend to hear
them vent about their difficult spouse. This common pattern in human
relationships is the process by which emotional triangles are formed. It is a
natural process and one which can be helpful or harmful to the relationship
between the original two parties, depending upon how all three relationships are
handled. The more mature the parties in the triangle are, the better the
triangle will be handled and the more hope there is for improvement in the
original relationship.
The therapy triangle is a type of emotional triangle, formed by the process just
outlined. When an individual feels painfully stuck in their connection with an
important person in their life (usually a family member) then that person seeks
out the comfort and support of a third party—the therapist. If the therapy
triangle is handled maturely, then the client will more than likely resolve or
be able to tolerate the relationship in which they were stuck to begin with.
Conversely, if the therapy triangle is handled immaturely, the client will
remain stuck.
You may feel that you are not coming to therapy because you are stuck in a
conflict with an important other. What you are aware of is that you are coming
for help with your depression, anxiety, or anger which have nothing to do with
your relationships with others. My experience tells me that in nearly all cases,
there is at least one stuck relationship which is affected by or is causing the
symptoms which are bringing you to treatment.
For the therapist to handle their part of the triangle well, they need to be
caring but neutral in the original conflicts between clients and their family
members. If a therapist is caring but neutral, they can remain calm and
reasonable when the conflict is raging and can gently encourage the client to do
the work they need to do—understanding and changing the way they themselves
connect with their family members.
One of the pitfalls of the therapy triangle is that client and therapist can
become allied in such a way that the client never has to resolve the problems
which brought them to therapy in the first place. For example, a therapist
working with a woman who has a very difficult mother may take the side of the
client, giving her the message that her mother is “sick” or “toxic”. Both client
and therapist come to believe that the mother is to blame for the client’s
problems and the therapist may recommend that the client stop talking to her
mother or confront her in an angry, blaming way. The daughter may gain some
relief by cutting off from her mother but will not learn to connect with her in
a healthier way. The daughter will enjoy the support of the therapist and the
sense of superiority over her mother but will not learn to be an adult with her
mother. She will miss a major opportunity to grow up.
The Connection Between You and Your Therapist
A 29-year-old female client of mine who is struggling in her relationship with
her drug-addicted boyfriend recently paid me a great compliment. She said that
she was benefiting from therapy because I was not trying to fix things for her.
She has many people in her life telling her she should get rid of this boyfriend
but that advice only made her more determined to stick with him. My approach
with her is that she needs to figure out what to do with her boyfriend,
not me. I can provide support, guidance and insight but she is the one who needs
to figure out what to do to change things for herself.
How can a therapist be truly helpful to you in resolving the painful connections
which created the therapy triangle in the first place? Sometimes techniques that
the therapist uses make the difference but usually it’s the stance or
position your therapist takes with you in the therapy triangle. Does she
seem to be too much on your side, allying with you against your family?
Does she blame your spouse, your parents, your sibling, your ex-spouse
excessively and urge you to cut off from your family? If so, the triangle may
not work for you and you will not learn what you need to change your way of
connecting to them.
On the other hand, does your therapist blame you and side with your family,
seeing you as the problem? If she does, you will not get the support you need to
change.
Does your therapist listen to you without judgment and encourage you to work
things out in your important connections as you see fit? If she does, you may
get the help, encouragement and insight you need to figure out how to resolve
the problems that brought you to therapy in the first place.
The Connection Between You and Your Family
No one enters therapy alone. When you walk into a therapist’s office, you bring
with you all of the emotional connections you have to the powerful tribe of
people known as your family. You have emotional ties to your grandparents
(living or dead), your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins and all
those ties travel with you. You bring your ties to your spouse or partner, ex-
spouses and –partners, your children and grandchildren. These are the people to
whom you are most closely connected, both emotionally and genetically. To you,
these are the most important people in all the world.
When some of these connections are marked by fear and hurt, they cause or worsen
the emotional problems which have brought you to therapy. When you can reduce
the fear and hurt you carry in these connections, you will get healthier and
more mature. You will be more at peace with others and with
yourself. The problems that brought you for treatment will be greatly reduced.
Successful therapy honors the emotional bonds you have but helps you to change
the way you do your part of those bonds. A good therapist will enable you to be
more of an adult with your family. A poor therapist will try to protect you from
your family, blame your family or tell you to have nothing to do with
them. With a poor therapist, you will not change your part of the hurtful and
frightening emotional bonds which pushed you into therapy in the first place.
The Connection Between Your Therapist and Your Family Members
This part of the therapy triangle is often less explicit that the other two
parts. Often, your therapist will never meet any of the people to whom you are
most closely bonded. However, your therapist will have opinions, feelings and
attitudes towards them. And your family will have opinions, feelings, and
attitudes about your therapist or at least about you being in therapy.
Your therapist is most helpful to you when she is not judgmental towards your
family. Therapists talk a lot about being non-judgmental towards their clients
but they pay little attention to the importance of accepting their clients’
families. Of course, therapists need to point out your family’s faults and flaws
and the way they are hurtful to you but they should do so with compassion, with
understanding and with a sensitivity to the fact that your bonds with them are
strong and need to be honored (but also changed!).
Your family can be most helpful to you when they encourage you to use therapy to
make yourself a healthier and stronger person. The healthier your family is, the
more its members will encourage you to get healthier and stronger. However, it
is likely that some of the people you are closest to will be afraid of what you
or your therapist might do. They might be used to being able to control you and
they don’t want you to get stronger—you might stand up for yourself and they
could no longer tell you what to do. They might be afraid that if you become
stronger, you distance yourself from them. This can be very threatening to some
of your family members.
When family members are threatened by your therapy or therapist, they may
consciously or unconsciously sabotage your treatment. They may tell you your
therapist is not good for you or that you are becoming too selfish. They might
tell you to stop going or refuse to help you out when you go. If and when these
things happen, you may be very tempted to drop out of treatment.
It is crucial for you to recognize and handle the negative feelings about
treatment that your family members may have. My advice is to listen to them
carefully and as calmly as possible. Don’t swallow what they are saying without
thinking about it. Also, don’t throw out or dismiss what they say— they may have
some good points you need to look at. Perhaps your therapist is encouraging you
to neglect your family.
Talk to your therapist about what those at home are saying about your therapist.
Work on being as clear as you can with those at home about what you are working
on in therapy.
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