1. Therapy is primarily about “getting your
feelings out".
A very popular understanding is that therapy is helpful because
the client can express their feelings in a cathartic way, the therapist provides
a venue for that and the simple acting of “venting” makes the client get better.
There is some truth to this statement but it is only a partial truth: it is
important for you to feel comfortable enough to express any of your feelings and
thoughts without being judged by your therapist. It can also be helpful for you
to hear yourself in a new way by expressing previously unexpressed feelings and
thoughts to your therapist.Being able to get your thoughts and feeling out to
your therapist is a necessary but not sufficient condition for successful
therapy. In other words, it is important to be able to express yourself freely
but it is not enough if you want to make lasting change. You need to work on
changing some patterns of thought and behavior in your life. You need to change
some of the ways you connect to others, particularly those closest to you. You
may need guidance from your therapist to do this and you will probably need to
work outside of therapy (in “real life”) to make these changes.
2. Therapy is done to you.
The belief that therapists can make people better is a strong one. The myth is
that a client can go to a therapist, have them work their magic, and come out
feeling better and having made major changes in their personality.
Therapy is
not surgery. You can have your appendix taken out or your knee
repaired without any effort on your part. You only need to submit to the
operation (and the anesthetic which makes you even more passive!) and surgery
can be successful. You don’t need to know how the surgeon does what he or she
does, you only need to show up and do what you’re told.
With therapy, you need
to be an active participant for it to work. Therapists do not have magic wands
that they can wave over you to make you better. You and your therapist must work
together to understand your problems and solve them. Your therapist cannot make
you better.
Because therapy requires active collaboration, people who are not
motivated to use therapy will not be helped by it. A common misconception is
that if I can only get my spouse or friend or child or colleague to see a
therapist, that will help. It will only help if the person who goes to therapy
wants to make changes in their life. There is a joke about this: “How many
psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb
has to want to change.”
3. Therapy always involves exploration of your childhood and always ends up
blaming your parents.
Often, successful therapy involves understanding how your childhood may have
contributed to the problems you are currently experiencing. Often, it involves
looking at problems your parents may have had. However, therapy which gets stuck
in the past and never moves to resolving the problems in the
present is not successful. Therapy which gets mired in blame of parents or
others and never moves you to take responsibility for your life is not
successful.
4. Therapy takes many years and hundreds of
sessions.
Sometimes it does, but not usually. I have had clients who benefit greatly from
three or four sessions and they are able to take what they learn and make
excellent changes. I have also had clients who have benefited from 10 years of
regular therapy. Most clients who use therapy to make important and lasting
changes in their lives are seen somewhere between 10 and 50 times over a period
of 6 months to 2 years.
It takes time but not forever!
5. The relationship between therapist and client is the crucial factor in the
success or failure of therapy.
This is another partial truth. The relationship between you and your therapist
is very important because if it is not good, it will be impossible for you to
use therapy to make the changes you want. The therapist-client relationship is
one side of a triangle of relationships all of which are important to handle
maturely if therapy is to be successful.
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